When your kids are older; there are still some funny moments!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Upon Request (RIP)
In response to my cousin Erin's post about her husband Johnny's horticultural expertise, I sent her the following email, since it was too long to post in her comments. A little history to frame thie post: If I remember correctly, Johnny had removed a bush that Erin was not crazy about being removed during his landscaping and painting of the ASSVAC ( this would be their humble abode).
Look at Erins blog to see what she is up to and the complete history of the ASSVAC- and other belly laughs that she provides fairly regularly, unlike me the ulitmate blogger slacker...
Anyhow, at her request to post to bloggerspace, here is the email I sent to her as she lamented about her husband Johnny's limited sight in the removal of the bush she wanted gone from the side of her ASSVAC.
"I thought this story was good enough to share, but way tooooo loooong for bloggerspace! Here goes...
Yep, this happens to me ALL THE TIME. Except for here usually it means something has been ADDED to the landscaping. Like the day, 2 years ago this spring when I came home to a "in good working order" 6 person spa/hot tub on the end of a snowmobile trailer sitting in my spot in the driveway. With the rotting wood still attached, ridden with carpenter ants. But the spa technically 'worked' (for about 6 minutes before the leaks in every one of the 1000 waterfeed tubes deprimed the "also in good working order" pump). All the lights worked as well, it was 'perty' (if you lived an a trailer park) for those 6 minutes...
It only cost about $100 to cut it into four pieces for special pick up to get rid of it and replace the grass it killed during it's 'brief' (3 month) "evaluation of operational possibility". Only cost me another $300 last year to have the house exterminated for the first time in 21 years for CARPENTER ANTS.
Oh yes, and then the cat death during the 4 hours we had to be outa the house during the ant extermination. Poor bitchy cat had an MI and dropped dead in front of me while I was trying to get her back into the cage to bring her home from my parent's house (and we were there on the sly while they were in FL- dad hates cats).
Anyhow...The whole science of the MI was facinating to me (I am an RN sicko, I know) - pure white cat -normally pink lips and nose turned instantly blue, pupils dilated, mid-hiss at me, she dropped, took two agonal breaths and see- ya on the other side baby! No Kitty CPR happened (depending on who I tell this to...)...
The "I killed the cat" guilt cremation was $125.. and my daughter's therapy sessions for me "killing her cat" (uh yeah, she doesn't live here anymore, but 'her' cat did) was probably in the neighborhood of $1000...On the way to the vet to drop off the deceased, her dog bit my index fingernail off (but thankfully my finger was not!) because I had -"dead cat" smell on me (I think he was instructed to do it, in retaliation for my poor foster motherhood skills). We both smelled like that, she held the dead cat to say goodbye, I certainly didn't and the dead cat was in HER car at the time. But he did not try to bite her finger off, now did he?
It will cost me $400 to repeat the process this year and hopefully the remaining 2 cats will return HOME alive and not drop dead on me (I like these two, so may attempt ktty CPR). If they do not make it, I'll probably be homeless since it was MY SOLE DECISION to exterminate the house (like uh, I fuckin' invited them in)...Although homelessness may be more a more financially sound decision then staying here at this point...So EGE, a couple bushes GONE is WAY better than an 'addition' like this to the property..Beware of those too good to be true deals, they ALWAYS are!
Cuz D"
Update: got yelled at for even thinking about professional extermination again, so I didn't do it. We are holding our own with some sort of commercial ant killer that has done the trick (no more in the house anyhow, but tons outside).
May still be homeless someday if the ants are too busy eating the walls where I can't see them...
Stay tuned.
Look at Erins blog to see what she is up to and the complete history of the ASSVAC- and other belly laughs that she provides fairly regularly, unlike me the ulitmate blogger slacker...
Anyhow, at her request to post to bloggerspace, here is the email I sent to her as she lamented about her husband Johnny's limited sight in the removal of the bush she wanted gone from the side of her ASSVAC.
"I thought this story was good enough to share, but way tooooo loooong for bloggerspace! Here goes...
Yep, this happens to me ALL THE TIME. Except for here usually it means something has been ADDED to the landscaping. Like the day, 2 years ago this spring when I came home to a "in good working order" 6 person spa/hot tub on the end of a snowmobile trailer sitting in my spot in the driveway. With the rotting wood still attached, ridden with carpenter ants. But the spa technically 'worked' (for about 6 minutes before the leaks in every one of the 1000 waterfeed tubes deprimed the "also in good working order" pump). All the lights worked as well, it was 'perty' (if you lived an a trailer park) for those 6 minutes...
It only cost about $100 to cut it into four pieces for special pick up to get rid of it and replace the grass it killed during it's 'brief' (3 month) "evaluation of operational possibility". Only cost me another $300 last year to have the house exterminated for the first time in 21 years for CARPENTER ANTS.
Oh yes, and then the cat death during the 4 hours we had to be outa the house during the ant extermination. Poor bitchy cat had an MI and dropped dead in front of me while I was trying to get her back into the cage to bring her home from my parent's house (and we were there on the sly while they were in FL- dad hates cats).
Anyhow...The whole science of the MI was facinating to me (I am an RN sicko, I know) - pure white cat -normally pink lips and nose turned instantly blue, pupils dilated, mid-hiss at me, she dropped, took two agonal breaths and see- ya on the other side baby! No Kitty CPR happened (depending on who I tell this to...)...
The "I killed the cat" guilt cremation was $125.. and my daughter's therapy sessions for me "killing her cat" (uh yeah, she doesn't live here anymore, but 'her' cat did) was probably in the neighborhood of $1000...On the way to the vet to drop off the deceased, her dog bit my index fingernail off (but thankfully my finger was not!) because I had -"dead cat" smell on me (I think he was instructed to do it, in retaliation for my poor foster motherhood skills). We both smelled like that, she held the dead cat to say goodbye, I certainly didn't and the dead cat was in HER car at the time. But he did not try to bite her finger off, now did he?
It will cost me $400 to repeat the process this year and hopefully the remaining 2 cats will return HOME alive and not drop dead on me (I like these two, so may attempt ktty CPR). If they do not make it, I'll probably be homeless since it was MY SOLE DECISION to exterminate the house (like uh, I fuckin' invited them in)...Although homelessness may be more a more financially sound decision then staying here at this point...So EGE, a couple bushes GONE is WAY better than an 'addition' like this to the property..Beware of those too good to be true deals, they ALWAYS are!
Cuz D"
Update: got yelled at for even thinking about professional extermination again, so I didn't do it. We are holding our own with some sort of commercial ant killer that has done the trick (no more in the house anyhow, but tons outside).
May still be homeless someday if the ants are too busy eating the walls where I can't see them...
Stay tuned.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Nuh uh...
I haven't posted in months. So I'm sorry. Work really does have me by the you know what... Anyhow, I'll just write the funny sotry for you that happened at the grocery store the other day. I've told this to a couple people and they all laughed.. and then were ashamed that they did and then laughed again... Here goes...
I was at the grocery store in the baking isle and this old lady was looking very distressed and had her cart in the middle of the isle. Usually, this pisses my off big time, but she was so darn cute. I'd estimate that she was in her early 80's, but in really good shape for that age- like my grammie Fergie was (she was helping me with triplets around this age-ok, so she was a "good 80"). Anyhoo, I waited about 30 seconds and tried to get her attention in that "you are blocking the isle ma'am". She met eye with me and said "I guess I am going to have to aske the store manager to find tapioca for me. I've been all over this store." Knowing that I usually see tapioca near pudding, I offered my help and found it for her. She asked about if I thought it was quick cooking, and it said "Minute Tapioca" so I told her it was probably, given the name a 'quick' cooking style. "Besides "I said, "this is all they carry."
She went on to talk about the new pie recipe that called for a tablespoon of tapioca as the thickening agent and that she always used corn starch in the past. I agreed with her that I used the corn starch too and started on my way. I was about 20 feet away when I heard her yell "FOUR DOLLARS for this little box. I'll be DEAD before I use all of this." By then I was Roaring and went back to her, touched her arm and said "oh my God, don't say that! But Jesus for 4 bucks a box, I'd stick with the corn starch!" and both of us were in a fit of laughter in the middle of the pudding isle. she made my day. I hope she makes yours too!
Happy Monday!
I was at the grocery store in the baking isle and this old lady was looking very distressed and had her cart in the middle of the isle. Usually, this pisses my off big time, but she was so darn cute. I'd estimate that she was in her early 80's, but in really good shape for that age- like my grammie Fergie was (she was helping me with triplets around this age-ok, so she was a "good 80"). Anyhoo, I waited about 30 seconds and tried to get her attention in that "you are blocking the isle ma'am". She met eye with me and said "I guess I am going to have to aske the store manager to find tapioca for me. I've been all over this store." Knowing that I usually see tapioca near pudding, I offered my help and found it for her. She asked about if I thought it was quick cooking, and it said "Minute Tapioca" so I told her it was probably, given the name a 'quick' cooking style. "Besides "I said, "this is all they carry."
She went on to talk about the new pie recipe that called for a tablespoon of tapioca as the thickening agent and that she always used corn starch in the past. I agreed with her that I used the corn starch too and started on my way. I was about 20 feet away when I heard her yell "FOUR DOLLARS for this little box. I'll be DEAD before I use all of this." By then I was Roaring and went back to her, touched her arm and said "oh my God, don't say that! But Jesus for 4 bucks a box, I'd stick with the corn starch!" and both of us were in a fit of laughter in the middle of the pudding isle. she made my day. I hope she makes yours too!
Happy Monday!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Taking the Fifth…
The Peanut Corporation’s president, Stewart Parnell exercised this right last week when being questioned by the House Energy and Commerce investigations subcommittee. I thought about this as I listened to the stories from families who have either lost family members or had family members that were sickened with salmonella directly resulting from decisions made by Mr. Parnell. Allegedly.
Is a refusal to answer on the grounds that doing so may incriminate oneself (a.k.a. “taking the fifth”) in effect, a guilty plea?
Is a refusal to answer on the grounds that doing so may incriminate oneself (a.k.a. “taking the fifth”) in effect, a guilty plea?
Friday, February 13, 2009
First Tag
I've escaped this before, but as a new player on Facebook and blogging, I knew it was coming. So Auntie Su tagged me from over there at Travels with Charlie. Here it is a picture of my son John, looking like he has done something wrong... But nice haircut dude!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Tax Commercials
I saw an H&R Block commercial that sent me and my son into hysterics. It is about the H&R Block guy and a tax preparer's guardian angel arguing over who has got the preparer's back during his quest to do his taxes. The preparer starts choking.... I don't want to ruin it for you, but trust me; it is hilarious! Thank you to Madeline, for finding the YouTube video and passing it on! (If I knew how to Link Madeline here I'd do it!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLBn9LFTZ6s
Trying to look at the glass as 1/2 full during this impending tax season!
Sign me,
Ben Dover
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLBn9LFTZ6s
Trying to look at the glass as 1/2 full during this impending tax season!
Sign me,
Ben Dover
Saturday, January 3, 2009
No Resolutions, No Regrets
I try to NOT do resolutions because I think they are a sure setup for failure. Besides, I have been sort of dieting for 1/2 of 2008 anyhow and that would be the thing I would resolute (?), if I were one to make such empty promises to oneself... And for the first time in almost 20 years, not committing to a formal "diet" has netted almost 30 lbs in lost flab... I eat what I want, just about 30% less of it and I do weigh in every week with my friend (and boss) that I affectionately call "Fatty".
So here's to another year of non-resolutions and hopefully no regrets!
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